Fear
My coach couldn't be at last night's workout, so he left it for us on the white board at the pool. I knew it would be a tough workout -- he'd already told me on Saturday. But when I looked at the board, I panicked. Fear set in. Fear of what? I have no idea.
Maybe it was fear that I wouldn't be able to do 50 meters of butterfly because my shoulder still isn't 100%. How silly, though -- changing strokes is not a problem, even in the middle of the pool.
Maybe it was the 10x50 meters at 90% with 15" rest after each. Yeah, this is hard. So what? Will my training be completely destroyed if I have to slow down or take slightly more than 15" rest? Certainly I'm not going to drown in the middle of the pool while swimming only 50 meters at a time (or any other distance for that matter!).
Maybe it was the 100 meters "best time". So if my "best time" isn't the best of all times, will they throw me off the team?
Honestly, I'm not sure what it was. Maybe I'm just afraid of not meeting my own expectations or someone else's expectations. Maybe I'm afraid of "failing". This fear, the feeling of uncertainty, is there for almost every workout, or at least almost every run and swim. For some reason, on the bike, my weakest of the three sports (or at least it was last year), I'm a lot more confident. I'm never afraid of the workouts and, perhaps not surprisingly, I almost always achieve my goals. I need to find a way to take that confidence and that focus into my runs and swims.
I didn't quite finish the workout last night because I ran out of time. But I did most of it and I survived.
Maybe it was fear that I wouldn't be able to do 50 meters of butterfly because my shoulder still isn't 100%. How silly, though -- changing strokes is not a problem, even in the middle of the pool.
Maybe it was the 10x50 meters at 90% with 15" rest after each. Yeah, this is hard. So what? Will my training be completely destroyed if I have to slow down or take slightly more than 15" rest? Certainly I'm not going to drown in the middle of the pool while swimming only 50 meters at a time (or any other distance for that matter!).
Maybe it was the 100 meters "best time". So if my "best time" isn't the best of all times, will they throw me off the team?
Honestly, I'm not sure what it was. Maybe I'm just afraid of not meeting my own expectations or someone else's expectations. Maybe I'm afraid of "failing". This fear, the feeling of uncertainty, is there for almost every workout, or at least almost every run and swim. For some reason, on the bike, my weakest of the three sports (or at least it was last year), I'm a lot more confident. I'm never afraid of the workouts and, perhaps not surprisingly, I almost always achieve my goals. I need to find a way to take that confidence and that focus into my runs and swims.
I didn't quite finish the workout last night because I ran out of time. But I did most of it and I survived.
posted by bari | 08:49
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